Boundaries

Clear boundaries are necessary for healthy relationships. Much of my work as a therapist involves helping clients define and enforce their boundaries.

There is much confusion about boundaries in popular culture. People often confuse boundaries with expectations or rules, which isn't quite right.

I find it most helpful to define boundaries in the following way:

A boundary is a promise I make to myself about what I will or won't allow, which I may or may not inform others about.

A promise to myself...

Here are a few examples of boundaries:

• "I don't stay in relationships that are abusive."

• "I'm not willing to miss this event because you're running late."

• "I will not talk about that right now."

Notice that all of these examples focus on my own actions. None of them include phrases like "you have to" or "you should". I am simply informing the other party about where I stand and how I will respond to various circumstances. The person I'm speaking to is free to do whatever they wish.

Of course I want cooperation, for those around me to agree with and support my boundaries, to make the changes I think they should make, and for it to all go smoothly. However, the success of my boundary does not ultimately depend on other people agreeing, changing, or even listening. My boundary will succeed as long as I keep my promise to myself. 

...which I may or may not inform others about.

In many circumstances, it makes sense to inform people of our boundaries. For instance, if my boundary is, "I won't be married to a heavy drinker," and my spouse is starting to develop a drinking problem, I am probably going to choose to inform them that I will not stay married to them if they continue down their current path.  I'm not obligated to tell them this—I could just leave one day—but if I think there is any chance they may change course, I would want them to fully understand the impact of their actions and what the future will look like if they continue.

There are other circumstances in which it may not make sense to tell anyone about your boundaries. For example, if I don't believe the person I'm interacting with to be safe, or they've given me reason to believe that they aren't supportive of my boundaries, I would be more likely to simply enforce my boundary with minimal or even zero communication. I might just walk away, just say the word "no" without further explanation, or just say "I'm leaving now".

The ultimate point here is that boundaries are for you; the decision about whether or not you tell others about your boundary should rest on whether it's good for you to do so, not a sense of obligation.

"Okay, Shane, I get all that rationally. But why is it so hard?"

I believe that, to some degree or another, almost everyone struggles with boundaries. We are a very social species, and it's natural to feel some discomfort about making someone else feel uncomfortable.

On top of this, many people not only were never taught how to set boundaries, but were actively discouraged from doing so as children. Perhaps their parents were emotionally immature, addicted, narcissistic, or codependent. Many kids were inappropriately parentified by their parents, who perhaps lacked the appropriate support and turned to their children to meet emotional needs that should never have been placed on them.

When boundaries were ignored, punished, or treated as selfish during childhood, it can be difficult to recognize that we are allowed to have them at all. We may grow into adults who feel responsible for other people's emotions, who instinctively prioritize keeping the peace over honoring our own needs, or feel guilty whenever we say "no". What was once an adaptive survival strategy in an unhealthy childhood environment can become a source of chronic stress and resentment in our adult relationships.

Fortunately, this is something that can be understood and overcome, and therapy offers an excellent framework for doing so.