My Beliefs

There are a few core beliefs that I've identified as being behind much of my work as a therapist, informing my perspectives on psychology, relationships, and behavior. In the interest of full transparency, I share them here.

Everything Always Makes Sense

One core belief that I've held since I was an adolescent is that people always do what makes sense, given the sum total of their knowledge, experiences, beliefs, traumas, skills, etc. In other words, if I were in another person's shoes, I would behave exactly as they do. Although we may not have access to all the information that would be necessary to understand a person, you can bet that if we did, we would say something like, "Of course they are that way! How else could they possibly be?" The implications for therapy are:

• Blame and shame have no place, and don't even make sense. Acceptance is the only sensible position.

• To change an outcome, we have to make the preferred behavior make sense. We must change the context. It will get better when it can get better. We can't judge ourselves into positive change.

• We can move us from a shame-based place of "What's wrong with me?" to a context-based "What happened to me?" and finally to an empowering stance of "What's possible?"

This belief also allows me to radically accept people just as they are. Even before I have met you, I genuinely believe you are doing your absolute best. (And I believe that "your best" can and will grow.)

Good and Right for You is Good and Right for Others

A second belief that deeply informs my life and my work is that what is right for you is also right for the people around you. I understand that this can sound selfish, simplistic, or naive at first. But hear me out:

We are interdependent. So if you are healthy and happy, it will naturally make you more generous, energetic, creative, and loving, which will be good for those around you. And conversely, if you are resentful and exhausted in service of the perceived benefit of someone else, that doesn't help you nor does it actually help the person for whom you're sacrificing your wellbeing! It is in everyone's interest that you honor your own needs and wants.

This realization doesn't make all our choices easy—life is quite complicated sometimes—but it does radically simply life in one major way: rather than trying to figure out what everyone else needs (you can't), or seeing your needs and other people's needs as being at odds with one another (they aren't), you only need to figure out what feels good and right for you. Sometimes that will be to say "no", to protect your time, energy, health, or safety. But other times that will be to say "yes"; commitment, service, and sacrifice can be deeply fulfilling and joyful when your needs are met and when done from a place of love.

I've yet to see a case where this principle didn't hold true on a long enough timeline.